In an odd sort of way, I am back where I started in august, the week of the 13th, 1999. Almost twenty years ago – 17, there abouts. Completing a cycle of trying to put into practice, what I thought I had learned spiritually – taking it off the mountain and into the city type metaphor. Deep living it.
I changed my whole life at that point. I left all that I knew. I moved two hundred miles away. I fell off the map and fell from my ‘exalted’ state of mind. I thought I was so spiritual… and I truly wanted to test that. Ahem. But I did get real. Many things that I thought I knew, that I was absolutely sure of, got thrown in my face. And well, I asked for it. What the journey did for me was make me real. As real as one can get here in 3d.
This morning it dropped into my brain that this particular experiment was over and that I’d done ‘it’. Whatever that really was… because after getting semi real, I’m wondering exactly what ‘it’ was. IMO, all the spiritual hogwash we all go through means nothing, because it is all someone else’s story. So what is real? The only thing I can say at this point that counts for me is how I am living, what I am noticing, the experience of it and how much I know of myself. Because in the end it is about revealing to yourself who you are, and about being able to honestly look at what you find.
And it is laughable that I still don’t know why.
My only recourse – everybody’s I suppose who isn’t kidding themselves, is to live in the moment, to be the moment and therein discover what it brings, what it wants you to notice, what it really is. In this place the moment you are born to 3d it is predicated you will eventually leave 3d. IE: Short story, if you’re born, you die.
Most of us who do this find the journey interesting. Many like it so much they do it again, while others of us wonder why we decided to do it in the first place because the world of matter is a solid place and when you go banging up against it, it hurts. Sometimes a lot. Sometimes so much that people leave prematurely. Sometimes, mostly always, people ask at some point in their lives, ‘What was I thinking?’, ‘Why did I come here?’ and ‘When do I get to get off this rock?’.
To say that I may have to wait till I die to discover the answer to those questions is probably true. At least at this stage of development on this particular rock. That is because I am no one special. I am not a master, meditator, or an advanced being that can say I know, because I don’t. I’d like to know but the whole thing about this place is that we are here to live, not run away from living like a lot of disciplines say you have to, to get enlightened, and if you are not lit up, you can’t have the answers!!!
Dumbass bass-ackwards place!!!!
So here I am.
“The fish in the water is silent, the animal on earth is noisy, the bird in the air is singing. / But man has in him the silence of the sea, the noise of the earth, and the music of the air.”